Couple's counselling can be an incredibly helpful tool for rebuilding damaged relationship bonds. In LGBTQ+ relationships specifically, the idea of monogamous relationships can get varied responses, such as, "I don't need to be monogamous in order to show my love and commitment to my partner". Others may say, "If you are not monogamous then it likely means there is already trouble in paradise". But what about affairs and infidelity? Counselling can help partners identify and address any disappointment, anger and betrayal that may have been caused by the affair. The big elephant in the room is likely, what constitutes as infidelity? Were the partner's monogamous? Did they have an open relationship with rules and the rules were broken? Did someone fall for the other person?
When the couple comes to therapy, the partner who feels cheated on can sometimes expect themselves and the therapist to come together to attack the person who committed the infidelity. The most important thing for both parties to understand is that the therapist is neutral, both partners need to know that they are in a safe environment to speak.
The first session is going to be about gathering information from the couple.
What were the rules in the relationship (Monogamy, open relationship, no dates)
What are they feeling about the relationship (Staying, leaving, unsure)
What are they both feeling
Why?
I like to have individual sessions with both partners in sessions two and three. This can help them to speak about things that perhaps they felt uncomfortable to say in their couple's session. If appropriate we will discuss a way forward to perhaps discuss these items with their partner.
The following sessions are where the therapist is going to seek to identify communication styles that may be contributing to their issues. A common reason for infidelity in the LGBTQ+ community is lack of intimacy and this may be an important topic to discuss in the sessions if the clients state this is a concern for them. If one partner is fine just holding hands but does not like to have as much intercourse and the other partner wants intercourse more frequently, this can create a real disconnect. The therapist will help them to uncover their relationship to sex and may uncover things such as:
abandonment
abuse
not feeling loved
shame
guilt
When the other partner can begin to see the others relationship to sex, perhaps meeting the needs of their partners in healthy ways will help to heal the disconnect and then create a trusting, safe relationship where neither partner feels the need to seek their needs somewhere else.
The sessions will end a the appropriate time for the couple; however most sessions dealing with infidelity take quite a bit longer because the trust needs to be repaired and this can be a long process.
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